if only in a dream

 Immeasurable & dreamlike
disconnected scenes
flash behind my eyes,
& remind me to look back,

tell me that I have forgotten,
that I am slowly erasing what
you made within me.

Brownie batter, and blunts,
we drank vodka
straight from the bottle.

There is an old photo:
My hair is ridiculous colors
resembling a snow cone,

I may have been fifteen &
You had your hand
on my shoulder.

I have grown out
of that boy cocoon,
I am stronger & older,

reaching up, and out to the light
I am forever indebted
you have my gratitude brother

We lived on that road,
we would walk in the cold
just to smoke,

that potent smoke, bittersweet
in our lungs, once formed a blue-gray
halo around your head.

         ***

Bad rap music &
grungy guitar amps,
rusted strings &
calloused fingers,

those ever present video
games & "adult" magazines,

angry outbursts at
violent films,
baseball, sawdust
and spilled beer.

An orange extension cord
looped lazily across
a silver step ladder.

I never would have known
just how much
We are all connected

we both walk that road
as ghosts my friend,
because that me 
passed away with you

I would give up my own laughter
to hear you joke again,
to hear that horrible grammar,
if only in a dream.


-For R.G.R.